TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
