Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
