M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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