I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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