ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
