I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
it's great music for shaving your balls
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
At least life still wants to fuck me.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
