I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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