Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
