There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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