yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
We had to coat check the pizza.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
True strength comes from lack of pants
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Randomize
