There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Randomize
