If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
