see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
