Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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