he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
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I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
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I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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