something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
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