ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
