Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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