I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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