I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
