i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Randomize
