i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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