it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
where are my eyebrows?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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