I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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