Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
