We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
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I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
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New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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