"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I just sucked dick on a ferry
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
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