moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
