He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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