I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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