I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
