That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
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