Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Randomize
