If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
