I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
