So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
