I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
