Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
