There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
