I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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