I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
