She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
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