So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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