You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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