I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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