eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize