so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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