He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
