i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
