Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Randomize
