I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
