I smell stomach acid.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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