I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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