so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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