Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Randomize
