worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
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